Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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