Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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