he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
