you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
