he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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