1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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