i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
