whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
