Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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