I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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