my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
