i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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