She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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