True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
