My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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