why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
