Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
