yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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