I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me