I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
