And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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