Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
