The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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