just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
