the condom got lost in my hair
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
