I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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