well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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