I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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