I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
