I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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