I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Couch. On fire.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
