buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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