I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
