Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
