How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
