Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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