I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
