First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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