He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
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At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
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...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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