Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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