He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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