I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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