I can text with my tongue
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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