if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
