I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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