i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
