My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
