Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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