i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
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i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.