im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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