I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
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remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
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He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard