I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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