why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
