8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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