We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
