The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
