I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i believe in u and ur pee
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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