so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
