It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
