i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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