I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
